Wednesday, February 16, 2011

The Cousins Are Coming! The Cousins Are Coming!

One thing I really love about our house in the Big Woods is that everywhere you turn we have relations.  The extended Ingalls family is scattered all over these woods and we come together on very special occasions and to help each other with the work.  At one time apparently everyone lived together in Grandma and Grandpa's big cabin but then they all got the bright idea to strike out on their own and build their own cabins here and there.  Bright idea my butt!  Why scatter when you could all live together in a giant cabin and be pampered by Grandma and Grandpa?  Not to mention all the special syrup you'd get to sample!  Grownup's, I have found, can be so utterly stupid at times!

So anyway, at Christmas time this year we had a great treat when Uncle Peter and Aunt Eliza came to spend the holidays with us, bringing along my cousins Peter, Alice and Ella.  There is nothing I like more when my cousins come to visit!  Oh the fun we have!  Even boring old goody goody Mary lets her perfect blond curls down and seems to enjoy herself.  When we get together with the cousins the madness ensues!  We do things like jump off stumps face first into the snow to make snow angels!  Yeah that's great fun, as long as there is not a rock underneath the snow that you aren't aware of!  Then we have to deal with all the blood and gore and mess and that does tend to put a damper on things.  When the cousins come at Springtime and Summer there is great fun to be had too!  Why I remember that one great summer when cousin Charley came to visit.  Silly fat little Charley, ha ha!  Playing around with Pa and Uncle Henry while they were busy trying to harvest the crops.  He kept screaming and making out like he was being hurt just to get a rise out of them.  He got a rise alright.  He jumped on top of a yellow jacket nest and rose up to the sky screaming bloody murder.  Ma and Aunt Polly slathered him with mud and bandaged him head to foot and put him to bed while the rest of us stood around the bed and poked him with sticks.  Ha ha, gotta love those cousins!

To prepare for the relatives coming for Christmas Ma was busy at work baking and cooking all kinds of stuff.  The little house that normally smelled like old butt smelled fantastic!  And Mary and I even got to help make Christmas Candy!  While Ma boiled up some hot maple syrup she sent Mary and I outside with little pans to collect some snow.  Mary, trying to be her usual nicey nicey disgusting self, said, "Laura, why don't you get my snow and I'll get your snow?" Good grief, like it makes a difference who's snow you get!  I was on to Miss Lets Score Some Brownie Points though.  I knew the minute we got back inside she'd inform Ma how she'd gotten my snow for me, making out like I had done nothing!  And then Ma would say, "That's my helpful girl!"  Gag!  But then my devious little brain kicked into high gear and I smiled sweetly at my sister.

"Alright Mary, that's a wonderful idea"!  So I took Mary's pan and she took mine and while she gathered some clean white snow for me I headed over to where my dog Jack liked to do his business.  Giggling maniacally under my breath I scooped some nice yellow snow into the pan and covered it with the clean white stuff so no one would see.  Then I graciously presented Mary with her pan of snow.

Of course I forgot that the candy, once made, would be all mixed up anyway!  Darnnit!  It sucks being a tad bit stupid!

When the cousins finally got there we had the most wonderful Christmas filled with the delicious food that Ma had prepared, the Christmas Candy (which I pretended to eat but didn't!) and the very very best part of all:  A new doll for me!!!  Yes a REAL doll to replace my skanky old corn cob!  I named my doll Charlotte and Ma made me let everyone else hold her but I soon had her back in my arms and I haven't let her go since.

All too soon the cousins were loaded back into their sleigh with hot baked potatoes in their pockets scalding their hands while they cried in pain and then with a jingle of the sleigh bells they were gone.

So Christmas was over but we had Spring and Summer to look forward to and more visits from cousins who would hopefully stomp on a bees nest so I could once again poke them with a stick.

Oh how I love my family!!

Friday, October 22, 2010

Going to Town!

Today Pa and Ma took us into town for the very first time.  It was so exciting to ride through the Big Woods in the back of the wagon all the way to Lake Pepin and to see the town spread out before us!  Wow!  Now I know my parents are insane and want us to grow up weird!  Why the heck are we living in the middle of these big dark spooky woods when we could be living in town like civilized people?  I could be going to school and playing with other children instead of having to play with a rotten corn cob and my bossy old perfect sister! 

In town we went into the general store and the shopkeeper had to make a big old fuss over Mary and her precious blond curls!  Gag!  He kept saying how pretty she was while pretty much ignoring yours truly.  After Ma and Pa had picked out their goods the store keeper gave Mary a piece of candy.  "Sweets for the sweet," he cooed and goody goody smiled and said, "Thank you, sir," politely.  Then he seemed to suddenly realize there was another little girl in his midst and he tossed a piece of candy my way.  "Uh, there you go," he said.  The candy hit me in the face and then Ma made me say thank you and we left the store.

Afterwards we had lunch in the shade of the wagon on the shores of Lake Pepin and Pa let us pick up pebbles.  I grabbed as many as I could get and stuffed them in the pocket of my dress while Mary just stood there and complained that the rocks hurt her delicate feet.  Then as we were leaving my pocket tore out of my dress from the weight of the pebbles and I nearly lost them all!  Pa helped me pick them up while Ma told me how naughty I was to be so greedy and didn't I see how nice Mary had kept her dress and her stinking feet (okay she didn't say "stinking" but trust me they do smell!).  And to add insult to injury Pa then made me give half my pebbles to Mary as punishment!  Stinky feet Mary smiled demurely on the way home while I sulked and plotted revenge.  I'm wondering if I could hack off those blond curls in the night and then blame it on a mouse???  Hmmmm, it could work....

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Sugaring Off Time

It's Sugaring Off Time in the Big Woods, that is when Grandpa Ingalls takes the sap from the Maple trees and Grandma Ingalls makes maple syrup.  Last night we went to Grandma and Grandpa's cabin deep in the Big Woods for a Sugaring Off Dance.  What great fun it was!  We kids had all the maple syrup we can stand and then we had even more!  We ate so much we got sick and barfed everywhere.  Then the grownups had some "special" maple syrup of their own and Pa played his fiddle and Grandma and Uncle George danced a jig until they passed out!!  When no one was looking I sampled the "special" maple syrup the grownups were having.  It tasted a bit funny but not bad so I had a whole bunch then laid down on Grandma's big bed and that's all I remembered till this morning when I woke with a pounding headache.  Must be something going around because all the grownups are walking around holding their heads this morning too and being very snappy!  Even my normally gentle Ma is not being her sweet patient self.  I asked when we were having breakfast and she said, "Piss off Laura, my head is killing me!"  Sheesh!  So I'm off to go play with Mary and the cousins till the adults feel better and decide to feed us some grub!

Saturday, October 16, 2010

A Little More about Little Me

I have dirty brown plain hair and my sister Mary has golden curls.  It has been pointed out to me time and again how beautiful Mary is while I am described as "cute" and sometimes "scrappy".  Cute and scrappy are good words to describe a dog, not a little girl!  I happen to believe I am every bit as beautiful as Mary, who in my opinion is not nearly as good as she makes herself out to be!

Like I mentioned earlier Mary and I have little or no real toys to play with.  Mary at least has a real doll, while I have a corncob.  Yes, you read that right.  Mary has a beautiful rag doll dressed in beautiful clothes, while I have a rotted old dried up skanky corncob with a hanky tied around it's top to look like a bonnet.  Big spenders my Ma and Pa are!

Besides our "dolls" we also have a broken cup and saucer Ma tossed our way and leaves and sticks and stumps to play with outside.  Sometimes if we are "lucky" we get to play with baby sister Carrie and pretend she is our doll.  But then the little brat has to ruin it by crying or pooping or throwing up everywhere so we don't play with her all that often.

 Mostly we just play outside on our stumps if the weather is not too cold, then in the winter time we hang out in the attic where we can play with all the food stored there for the winter and sometimes we get to play with all the little mice that live in our teeny tiny crappy little cabin.  Oh it's great fun!  In fact, I even learned to count to ten using mouse turds!  Ma always says, waste not want not!

This week Pa butchered the pig he keeps in the Big Woods.  I hated to see an animal being slaughtered but my mouth watered when I thought of all the bacon and ham and sausage that would soon be coming my way!  Plus when the butchering was over Mary and I got the pigs tail and the bladder!  Ma let us roast the pigs tail on a stick over the open fire and it sizzled and dripped fat and was soooo yummy!!!!  Then we got to play with the pig's bladder.  I am so glad it's the bladder we play with and not something gross like the pig butt or pig vagina! That's just too revolting to think about!  No we get the bladder which Pa cleans out and then blows up like a balloon that Mary and I can toss about.  We took it outside and threw it back and forth for a while, only too bad for Mary, because I happened to notice that Pa had not been too careful at cleaning the bladder out and there was still a little pig urine left in it.  So that's when I turned the bladder just soooo and tossed it to Mary and it dribbled pee all over her face and she ran off screaming to Ma.  And then I got to play with the bladder allll by myself.  You see, even for me, sometimes life works out for the best!

Coming to you from the Big Woods Of Wisconsin!

Hello my  name is Laura Elizabeth Ingalls and I am 6 years old.  You will notice what an extraordinary 6 year old I am, for not only am I writing a blog at the tender age of 6, I am also doing it on a computer, a device which hasn't even been invented yet here in the 1800's!  Never mind, work with me people!  So like I was saying...I am 6 years old and live in the Big Woods of Wisconsin in a teeny tiny wooden cabin with my Pa, Ma, big sister Mary and baby sister Carrie.  Oh and our good old bulldog Jack and our black cat Susan.

You might wonder why I would want to write a blog.  My reasons are many but the primary one is so I can complain!  You see we are not allowed to complain in the 1800's, we have to grin and bear whatever hardships we face.  That's what Ma says anyway and Pa agrees with whatever she says and she agrees with whatever he says and that goody goody big sister of mine always minds and so she agrees as well.  I PRETEND to agree but deep down I hate this stupid little cabin, it's freaking cold here in the winter and it leaks when it rains!  Plus it SMELLS like old butt and bad gas.  But since I have to be a polite good little girl I can only bitch in my  blog, so there you have it!

Of course I will try to make my complaints entertaining whenever possible for your enjoyment.  I have to run now, time to go play with Mary with all the roots and vegetables stored in our attic since we are too poor for real toys.  I hate my life! *sigh*